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I mean, Fauci must be messing with us, right? He can't be serious. Here's an alternative reality.


Sometimes it gets so insane in this land of COVID that I bounce between anger and tears and laughter. I mean, you have to laugh, right? These clowns who claim to be so damned scientific, and then spit out crap that makes the Medieval priests seem smart, I mean, they have to be joking with us, right? Like, former surgeon general Adams who recently said that he and his pal Tony Fauci, well, they don’t agree with the CDC and the tens of thousands of scientists who say it’s time to back off; they want everyone to wear masks all the time again. Why? Cause it’s science, that’s why! “The sooner CDC says we were wrong, & hits the reset button, the better," Adams said. "Trust me- I know more than anyone." And he doesn’t have to show us which facts back up his absurd claim, he just says “science” and the COVID liberals say, “Oh, wow, yea, makes sense.” Just like that, let’s toss us right back into the suffocating, murderous state of a never-ending quarantine that treats humans like case numbers and nothing else.


“We really don’t care if you die of anything other than COVID or even if you die from the quarantine,” they must be saying. “If you die not wearing a mask, well you are a fool! And if you die wearing a mask, you must be wearing it wrong. So that proves it. Masks must work. So, wear the damned mask and ridicule anyone who doesn't!”


In my new book, The Great Stupidity, I am currently writing a song to accompany one of my chapters. In it, the main character spends some time with the Warriors of our France, who, during the Black Death, are fighting the British as part of the 100-year war (can’t stop a good war for a plague) while they are helping to contain the black death through a quarantine, which really did happen. How do they do it? If there’s one case of death from plague in a village, they nail everyone into their homes in that village, and come back in two weeks to see if they’re still alive. When they all die of hunger and starvation, the head soldier says, “We done good again, boys. Everyone’s dead, but no one here died of plague!”


Got to admit, the surgeon general and Fauci, they’re all about that plan! The more we kill off with our “cure,” the fewer will die of COVID. And, like the Warriors of Our France, they got science on their side becasue they say so! So, who could argue with that?


In Geriatrics Vengeance Club, Ben dozes off one day in the car and has a fake interview with Fauci. Poor Fauci gets all flustered because Ben asks him to justify all his facts, and to explain why he ignores the collateral damage of slapping masks on everyone and locking up the world for more than a year. “You aren’t allowed to ask me questions,” the fake Fauci says. “I talk, you listen, and then you obey. That’s how Jake and Anderson do it. You are being very rude!”


So, it got me thinking, maybe behind the scenes the Dr. Adams and his pal Tony, and all the brilliant minds from Hopkins and University of Washington and the other bastions of brilliance that swear to God that they know what they’re doing and that we must wear masks and lock ourselves up, maybe it’s all a big joke. Like, maybe one of them said to the other:

“I bet if you tell them to put one-way aisles in stores, they’ll follow those arrows like sheep and think they’re saving humanity.”

And then the next guy laughs and says, “OK, bet you a beer on that, there’s no way people will be that stupid, so you’re definitely going to lose”

And the first one takes the bet and gets a good laugh and drink out of it. So, maybe this is how it went down.


Below are selected fake conversations between Tony F and his publicist, Mr. T. I mean, it has to have happened this way, right? He can’t really be that ignorant and deceptive!


April, 2020.

Mr. T: “Yo, Tony, you said in some journal that we don’t got to worry about this COVID stuff, and now it’s ravaging New York and the Gov is all bent out of shape. You got to do something! The Gov says that you should tell everyone to wear masks, and Jake on CNN says if you say that he’ll say it over and over, like ten thousand times, and tell his liberal sheep listeners that if you don’t wear masks you’re a killer or something like that; he’s got a lot of doctors and crap who will come on and say the same thing and talk about particles and stuff to make is sound legit. Them docs love being on TV!”


Tony: “No one will believe that. We know definitively masks don’t work to stop viral respiratory infections; I even said it on TV for Christ’s sake. There have been tons of studies proving the futility of mask use with flu, which spreads similarly to COVID, and wide-spread masking will clearly cause panic and psychological and physical damage, especially to the very young and old. Plus, if we start relying on masks, then that may distract us from doing something more meaningful, like rapid daily testing and selective quarantines. Can you imagine what would happen if Americans are told that masks are good enough to stop the spread of this? That would result in a disaster. I don’t think masks have a big role at all, especially out of the hospital setting. That’s proven science.”


Mr. T: “Yo, Tony, what’d I tell you about trying to sound all high and mighty? Believe me, you say to wear masks, Jake says it ten thousand times, we get those fancy-pants doctors to back us up, and they’ll think you’re a damned genius. No one ain't going to ask no questions or want evidence or stuff. It’s easy and simple and it don’t take no work and no money. Why try so hard to stop this COVID thing, when all you’s got to do is tell them to wear masks?”


Tony: “No one will believe it. Americans are too smart for that. And there are thousands of great scientists who will shoot it down.”


Mr. T: “Yo, Tony, trust me. Them other scientists who ain’t our guys, they’ll be stuck on conservative shows since Jake ain’t letting them on CNN, and the libs will only listen to you and our guys on their TV stations and their newspapers, especially if Trump says he’s not for masks. Hell, they don’t care if a few million die cause we didn’t really do nothing useful to stop COVID and we shut down the country and make everyone miserable. And they love gimmicks and shit; masks will be like the liberal symbol of science and goodness, kind of like that multi-colored flag they like. They’ll go for whatever you tell them to do, cause they think you’re a smart bastard and a scientist and you’re on liberal TV so who’s to question what you say? And if they think it’ll get Trump out of office, they’d suspend the Constitution and kill half the country for that. I’ll bet you a case of beer they go for the mask bullshit and don’t ever ask no questions, and that they shame anyone who don’t agree and say they’re anti-science.”


May, 2020: Tony gives Mr. T a case of beer.


June, 2020.

Mr. T: “Yo, Tony, people are starting to get too lax about this COVID shit and going to the beach and thinking they can hug people and see their families and be humans again. That’s a problem Tony, cause for you to be in the limelight and for Jake to keep CNN’s ratings up, we got to have this COVID stuff not go away. You got to scare people more! Tell kids not to go to school. Tell everyone they can catch it in the eyeballs.”


Tony: “But that’s all nonsense and not scientific! Maybe during the summer lull this is a good time to reassess the situation. Kids need to go to school and we know they don’t die from COVID any more than from more minor infections, and they don’t spread it either. They need to have a normal life, no masks or distancing; I worry about them if they get deprived of their experience at this crucial point in their lives, so first and foremost we have to reassure the public about that and get kids back to a normal life. And we need to do something about the elderly, especially in long term care. Masks have been a disastrous policy; they don’t work at all in long term care and are likely causing harm. And if we keep locking up older frail people, more will die of that then of COVID. And as for everyone else, they should be able to live their lives as normal. We can’t wreck lives for no reason. If there’s a bad flare in the community, we can do short selective quarantines, but this generalized shutdown is harming more people than it can possibly be helping. And masks are useless. You’d know that if you read articles and Cochrane.”


Mr. T, putting his finger over Tony’s mouth. “Yo, Tony, shut off that brain of yours. Remember, if you want to be on TV and shit, you got to keep dialing up the fear. And if you piss off Jake, and his ratings go down, next thing you know he’ll be treating you like the next Scott Atlas. I hope mass murderer sounds good, Tony, cause that’s what your fancy talk is bringing you! You want to avoid that fate you got to scare people and say shit. More shutdowns, no school. more masks. Hell tell them to wear two masks, the libs will think you’re a freaking hero if you do that. Oh, and I got you a gig throwing out a pitch at National’s Stadium, and if that’don’t get your hair stood up, I don’t know what will.”


Tony: “Double masks? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. It will just choke people more, no one is so stupid to think that could work. They’ll laugh at me! And I can’t be so brazen to throw a pitch at a baseball game in the middle of a crisis. That will look so bad and self-serving.”


Mr. T: “First off, the libs love you, and if you tell them to put a damned mask up their ass, they’ll do it and think you're saving the world. They don’t ask no questions, we’ll get those University docs to say it works, and Jake, dear Jake, he’ll keep saying it, Rachel too, and that Moring Joe guy too. And as for the pitch, you can’t lose. You throw a good pitch, they’ll think you’re a damned strong and sexy bastard. You throw a bad pitch, they’ll say you’s is working too hard to practice. Win-win Tony boy.”


Tony: “I don’t know. Can you imagine if General Patton had come back in the middle of the Battle of the Bulge and threw a pitch at Yankee Stadium? How bad would that have looked?”


Mr. T: “Yo, Tony, you want fame, this is how you do it. If Patton did that, he’d probably be president. Turn off your brain and start thinking with your gut. The libs love you, and the more you tell them to do shit, they more they think you’re a damned hero. I will bet you a case of Jack Daniels they love the two mask crap and you throwing the pitch and the closing schools and all your shit! And you may win sexiest man of the year Time man of the year and get a day named after you. Trust me!”


July, 2020: Tony buys Mr. T a case of Jack Daniels.


Present time:

Mr. T: “Hey, Tony, we got to do something. You been scaring people with all these strains, calling them variants to make them seem real mysterious and dangerous, you been saying guys with immunity still should get the vaccine, you been preaching that we still got to be careful hugging and stuff, but something’s not working. Jake says that even though he’s got the ticker tape showing all the COVID cases shooting up in young people and some are even going to the hospital, and he’s making it seem scary and got those University docs still on his leash, some people wonder, now that no one is dying, why we got to wear masks and quarantine again. Which ain’t good for us! If people start forgetting about COVID, then they’ll start forgetting about you, and if they forget about you, where does that leave me? Where does it leave Jake? We got to do something, and I got the answer.”


Tony: “Maybe it’s time we look back and figure out what we did wrong and right and…”


Mr. T, putting his finger over Tony’s mouth. “Yo, what did I say about that brain of yours? Remember, we done nothing wrong, and we done everything right. But me and all those Washington and Hopkins docs who say their grandkids wonder why they ain’t on TV so much no more, we got a plan. It ain’t good enough just to call shit variants. We need a better name. And we put all our heads together and we came up with one. Delta! Sounds like it’s from freaking outer space!”


Tony: “But Delta is just a more infectious strain of COVID that’s not even nearly as deadly as other common pathogens we face every day. It may even be a good thing; it could spread fast without killing a lot of people and end COVID once and for all. Finally, we can get back to living our lives!”


Mr. T: “Wrong, wrong, wrong, Tony! Ain’t you learned nothing? We got to make Delta seem like the scariest thing since the black death! We need people to wear more masks and wear them all the time, and we got to immunize kids, and if kids don’t get immunized, we kick them the heck out of school. Joe even said—not the Morning Joe, but the one who’s pretending to be President—that he’ll pay schools a ton of tax-payer cash if they force kids to get immunized. And if the little ones don’t get immunized, we slap a God-damned mask over their puny snarky faces day and night, even in the bath tub, and give them an attitude adjustment. We got to get everyone on board so we can keep this going. It’s Delta time, baby!”


Tony: “Immunization for kids? That’s medically negligent. It’s like giving someone a pill that we know doesn’t work and may harm them and saying, you got to take this or else. That is totally against the Hippocratic oath, let alone people’s freedom to choose. I thought liberals were for the right to choose! And masks, let’s get over the masks. Masks cause massive physical and psychological damage to kids and elders and they don't work at all. I hate them! I’m sick of them! Even my maid is complaining. And once she complains, I’m in deep doo-doo with the wife. People will laugh at me, they want this to end already.”


Mr. T: “Want to bet? How about if I'm right you buy me a case of Salem, extra gold, my favorite? Hell, I’m up to three packs a day. Lighting up a cigarette is the only way I can take my mask off from time to time. You ever wear those masks all day? Shit, it’s safer to smoke than do that.”


July, 2021:Tony buys Mr. T a carton of Salem extra gold.The CDC stops printing stats about depression, suicide, smoking deaths, drug overdoses, and domestic violence.It claims all the excess deaths are from COVID and that most other diseases are now extinct.Biden uses tax-payer money to build a giant statue of Fauci to replace the Einstein Statue in the National Mall, and commissions an artist to carve masks to put on the Lincoln, and Roosevelt memorial statues, just to be safe. Fauci wins all the Nobel Prizes, even in literature for his book:Why I am so smart and you’re not.

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