Smart Tony had done so much to save the world from annihilation and extermination, let alone long COVID syndrome. By stopping all fun, vaccinating and masking kids even though they didn’t much die of COVID but who knew if they may die one day, insisting that everyone wear masks all the time (two masks when one didn’t work) and stay six feet apart and wash hands for 21 seconds exactly, Smart Tony proved that science was super cool and lifesaving.
But Smart Tony knew that he was getting older every day so it was important that the youth be educated to be sciency like him, so that they could carry on the fight against the worst threat since Noah’s flood and against all those anti-science mass murders who thought otherwise.
“You can’t never let up your guard,” he said to Joe in the Morning. “COVID ain’t gonna let down her guard, so you’s guys can’t neither. And that’s why you got to know science and why I wrote my book.”
Smart Tony’s new book for kids was called I’m smart, you ain’t, so listen to me and shut up. He got a famous artist—George W. Bush—to do pictures for it, and it was being ghostwritten by the very smart and sciency Shonda Rhimes, who knew all about doctor stuff and kids too. It was his greatest accomplishment ever and would leave his mark on the world for hundreds of millions of years, which is how long he knew it would take to get rid of the COVID threat.
To promote his book, Smart Tony wanted to talk to kids face to face, and to do this he decided to go to a school and give the commencement address to some smart sixth graders. Initially the school smartly cancelled commencement because, well, the kids could all die from the COVID if they gathered in groups of more than ten, but in this case Smart Tony made an exception because what he had to say was so important that it was worth the risk. “Masks, masks, masks,” he said to them. “And don’t go near each other or breathe too much and you’ll all be safe! That’s science, kids, lesson number one.”
It was a Friday morning when he went into the auditorium to make his big speech and hand out signed copies of his book, which the President made all schools buy for a big price. The book would be used to teach a requisite class called: This is Science, Don’t ask no questions, Just read the damned book.
At the school, all the kids sat three feet apart after spending 27 seconds in a special anti-bacterial shower infused with monoclonal antibodies, they wore three masks and two pairs of gloves, and had monitors on their fingers to make sure they weren't breathing too much. Smart Tony looked at them so happy that they were safe and about to learn good sciency stuff. Although he couldn’t see their faces behind the masks, he was sure they were all smiling, because who wouldn’t smile when Smart Tony talked?
“When you finish your speech, I told the kids they could ask you questions,” Principal Compliant said to him. “Be patient with them, Smart Tony. They’re not very wise or smart, but they are eager to learn science from the most sciency man on the planet!”
After an effluent introduction, Smart Tony looked over the audience and imparted his eight decades of wisdom.
“Science is how we saved the world from COVID,” he said. “What is science, you may ask? Well, it’s like this. If a science expert says something, and he he’s a guy I like, well, then that’s science. You just listen to what that expert says and don’t ask no questions, don’t be a wisenheimer, don’t start looking stuff up that don’t agree with the expert. Just listen and do it. Science is knowing when to listen and obey and when to shut your traps. It’s all in my book. Thank you kids, now you know how to be sciency just like Smart Tony.”
The auditorium shook from thunderous applause. Now it was time for questions. Lots of little hands popped up. Smart Tony knowed that the kids were not very wise, like the principal said, but he knew they were here to learn, so he was happy to answer their questions and make them sciencier.
“Smart Tony,” said one little girl, who he could hardly hear through her mask (luckily Smart Tony brought someone who could interpret mask garble and told him what she was saying).
“Smart Tony, I was wondering, just in terms of the science of it, how come you say that in most places you have to stay six feet apart, but in schools you say it’s ok just to stay three feet apart? Are the COVID variants different in schools than in the rest of the world?”
Smart Tony smiled at the girl. “That is a very cute question, young lady, and I will give you a sciency answer. As you know, when you are at home you can run around and be a little wild before you get in trouble. But in school, you have to follow the rules and behave. It’s the same for COVID. The virus is much more behaved at school and so only will jump three feet. That’s what science tells us. Next question.”
A boy put up his hand and Smart Tony called on him. “Dr. Smart, my dad said to ask you if President Biden’s COVID experts are as competent as his Afghanistan experts.”
“Yes, yes they are,” Smart Tony beamed. “Any expert is smart, and you should listen to them. And let me say this about Afghanistan if I may. Our President and me, we like the new government there, because they are very sciency, especially when it comes to how they treat the ladies. They have vowed to cover all the ladys’ faces with masks all the time, and they’ve vowed to force all the ladies to quarantine at home and not go to school or work or any other dangerous places. They care about their ladies, because unlike our ladies, their ladies probably will never get the COVID. That’s because they are experts. We should only be so sciency here! That’s why you need to listen to us experts, boys and girls.”
Another hand popped up and Smart Tony called on him. He spoke in a little squeaky voice that made Smart Tony chuckle. “Smart Tony, I have looked for any randomized trials to show that masks work. And especially in kids, where so few die, what’s the evidence that they are of any help and that, in fact, they don’t cause significant harm? I know that when I wear one, I can’t breathe well, I get tired, my mind is fuzzy, and I can’t focus on school.”
“Well, all those things you say masks do to you, that’s proof they work,” said Smart Tony. “Just that you can’t breathe or nothing means that the COVID bugs can’t get in your body and tear you up limb from limb. Look, we don’t need no studies. We just know they work. No one proved they don’t work, right, so that means they do work. That’s science: knowing something and believing it and then making sure everyone else believes it too. You don’t need studies for stuff like that. I’ll give you an example. Smart Tony, from the time he was a little boy, he kept a piece of grass in his pocket whenever he went to sleep. He done that all his life. Now look at Smart Tony! He’s strong and powerful and smart and sexy and he’s over eighty years old. That’s proof enough that putting a piece of grass in the pocket at night keeps you healthy and alive. You don’t need no study for that; the proof is in the pudding. That’s science. Don’t be asking questions. Just do what we tell you to do. Read the book. Buy more copies. Tell your friends to buy it. That’s how we become sciency. Next!”
“I heard on the news,” said a little girl. “That the quarantine may be killing far more people than the virus, and that if we keep putting a magnifying glass on this virus and preventing people from living and working and if we ignore everything else that’s important to us then in fact we’re being anti-science.”
“And what's your question little girl?” asked Smart Tony. “What you just said to Smart Tony is a statement, not a question. In my book, I tell you the difference between the two. A statement is something that smart experts tell you to do and that you better do or else you may die any time. A question is what anti-science people say to experts after they watch the Fox news, because they is the ones who want everyone to die. So, now that you know the difference, you can understand why in science we don’t ask questions like what you went and done, we just listen and obey. That’s science. Next!”
The questions went on and on. In his mind, Smart Tony was amazed at how naïve and misled some of these little children were! Some of them even believed that if we didn’t put the COVID on the news every night then we probably wouldn’t even notice it! He was glad he could correct their wrong thinking and infuse them with the sciency thinking that he knew so well.
“Can you imagine such a thing?” Smart Tony asked Principal Compliant. “It’s so true what they say. Today’s education system ain’t good for the kids. It plants doubt in them about what experts tell them, and then they ask too many questions. Hopefully my book will fix all that.”
“Well,” said Principal Compliant, “You handled the questions real good. Especially the one that was just a bit obnoxious.”
“Oh yea, that one,” said Smart Tony. “Yea, you mean that kid who asked Smart Tony why I was telling people to wash their hands when the COVID don’t live on hands and surfaces? Yea, I got a bit mad about that dumb question, and I told that kid, I said, ‘Hey, you snot nosed brat, maybe if you washed your hands you wouldn’t be so filled up with zits and you could get a date instead of being so damned ugly.’ Yea, Smart Tony can use science just like Mike Tyson can use a left-handed upper cut!”
“That was good,” Principal Compliant laughed, “And it’s good to put disrespectful children in their place. But I was talking about the other question.”
Oh, thought Smart Tony, that question!
The question came up the next day when he was talking to Rachel in the Meadow on MSNBC.
Smart Tony remembered the question: Smart Tony, was it really necessary to cause such a horrid disruption in our lives for a virus that’s no worse than anything we face on any given day? So many of my friends are depressed, I know people who thought about killing themselves and who started using drugs, they lost all hope, they fear everything now, we can’t be together like we were, we are all choking from these masks, who knows what the vaccination will do to us in the future, everything we loved and cherished about life is gone, and all for a virus that doesn’t effect kids?
And Smart Tony remembered his answer: You ain’t being sciency, young lady! Too many questions, too much whining, too much selfishness all get in the way of science. That’s why you's got to to listen and shut your trap! Remember the Bible if you don’t believe Smart Tony. God put Adam and Eve in Eden, and all he told them is one thing: Do what God says and don’t ask no questions. Then the snake comes and gives Eve the apple of knowledge, and Eve eats it, and you know what happens next young lady, the whole world turned to shit. Excuse Smart Tony’s language, but we don’t need no apple of knowledge. We need you to listen to Smart Tony and to shut up and let me keep you alive. That’s science! Read my book! And keep your mouth shut! Because Smart Tony is like God, and all them Fox people and even you, you is the snake, and people don’t need your knowledge, they just need to shut up and listen.
“Well,” said Rachel in the Meadow. “Even though the Fox murderers mock you, I think you did a good job putting those sixth graders in their place. You are so sciency and smart that no one can argue with you.”
“That is true, Rachel in the Meadow,” Smart Tony said. “I can win an argument against any sixth grader, because I know science and they don’t. And once everyone reads my book and stops asking so many questions, and the whole world becomes sciency, then hopefully we won’t have to deal with all these brats and we can shut down the world and mask everyone without people complaining. And I thank you for always believing what Smart Tony says and never saying nothing to get in the way of science.”
“Well Smart Tony,” Rachel in the Meadow said. “You are God and you are science, so I would be crazy and stupid not to listen to you. After all, I want to live in Eden!”
Smart Tony beamed. Now, with her blessing, he knew he could sell even more books and make the whole world a bastion of sciency thinking, just like it was in Afghanistan!