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Smart Tony and his Christmas Wishes: Be Merry and Be Scared


Hey, it’s Smart Tony here, and Im's taking this here opportunity to wish the world a merry holiday, whether Christmas for my regular friends, or Jewish Christmas for my Jewish friends, or Kwanza for all them other people. Christmas cheer is all about staying safe and listening to what Smart Tony says to you’s all. So, to do that this year, I’m gonna use some of the things I grew up with that taught me lessons about the Christmas spirit, mostly shows I seen on TV and in the moving pictures.


Now, first thing you got to know is that Santa is the one whose birthday everyone is celebrating, and I know a lot of my educated liberal friends don’t always believe in Santa, but I figure that if they can believe that a piece of cloth over your face that viruses pass through can stop a pandemic, well, believing in Santa ain’t no far stretch. And like the mask, Santa can teach us lessons that ain’t always true but that if you can believe in them can make you feel safer.


Like, right from the beginning in the program Santa Clause is Coming to Town with them funny dolls and all, we learned a lot about Santa and how he deals with pandemics and such. For instance, once he decided to give toys to all them kids, there was no way he was going to get too close to them for fear of spreading or catching the virus, so that’s why he drops the toys down the chimney and scrams. That old man he meets in the woods, the Winter Warlock, he teaches Santa that lesson, because that old man got to be so old because he stayed away from everyone and just lived in them woods his whole life which is the only way to avoid catching the bug, alone is safest. Good lesson for you kids too.


But then Santa runs into trouble, and it ain’t his fault. In a later show with them same funny dolls, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, some toys was causing trouble, likely they refused to get vaccinated or were anti-maskers and such, and so Santa smartly banished them to an island and called them misfit toys so they didn’t spread virus to everyone else from their lack of compliance. All was good and well until two right wingers who insisted on being different than everyone else and not following Santa’s every rule—one of them was a deer who had a bright red nose and the other was an elf who wasn’t happy doing exactly the same thing as every other elf and wanted to pull teeth instead—got on Santa’s nerve, because like Smart Tony, Santa likes everyone to do exactly what he says and ask no questions. Well, he kicked them two out of Santa land, and wouldn’t you know it, they went and released all those anti-maskers on the misfit island and the next winter all the people in Santa land got sick from them noncompliant selfish misfits, which is why we had a year without a Santa Clause, because poor Santa was too sick from the COVID them misfits gave to him. It’s a good lesson, kids, and don’t forget it. Best to banish all the anti-vaxxer anti-mask misfits from the world so the rest of us is safe! That's Christmas Spirit at its best!


Dr. Seuss, he taught us a lot too. He was a good doctor, not one who spreads misinformation, but the kind of doctor who tells it like it is even if he don’t necessarily know what he’s talking about. Thems is the kinds of doctors Smart Tony and Jake and Rachel in the Meadow like! In fact, when my nephew was young I told him to read everything from Dr. Seuss, since it was all good wisdom, and he thanked me and said it was the smartest thing I ever told him, or maybe he said the only smart thing I ever told him, but anyway it warmed my heart, and that book One Fish, Two Fish, it taught me my math and science that I still know today, and even taught me how to cook fish that is red and blue.


Anyways, smart Dr. Seuss wrote a book called the Grinch, and it’s all about a place called Whoville where everyone is exactly the same as everyone else and do the same thing and no one complains or has any individual personality, which is exactly what Smart Tony wants with our country. Well, that Grinch, he didn’t like that them Who's was so happy, and so he tried to ruin it for them, which didn’t work, so then they turned him into one of them, and his brain shrunk three sizes and then he wasn’t a pest no more. That’ why places like Whoville don’t get no COVID, because them people have small brains so they do exactly what they’re told and ask no questions and listen to Smart Tony, like Cindy Lou Who, who was not more than two I think and the smartest one among them.


Which brings us to two disturbing movies, one which is called It’s a Wonderful Life, which should be called something else like It’s a Sucky Life, since life wasn’t wonderful at all in Bedford Falls, it was dangerous and reckless, and if I was writing it, I’d do a lot of things different. Like when Uncle Billy brings that money to the bank, that was totally out of compliance with good infection control guidelines, since it was so crowded and all in the bank and no one was practicing social distancing or wearing a mask or even using purell. When I go to the bank to deposit all my Pfizer stock profits, I have my maid do it electronically or go in the drive through to be safe, and if Uncle Billy did that then Mr. Potter wouldn’t have stolen the money and the movie could have ended a lot earlier instead of putting Smart Tony to sleep. And at the end, when they all gather together in George Baily’s house and not even one of them is wearing a mask or practicing social distancing, how is that the right message to show? You can bet that the next day, half of them came down with the virus and were spreading it to everyone in town, and most of them probably died, which is why the movie ended on a happy note instead of going on for another day and showing the tragedy of not following Smart Tony’s rules. Poor Charlotte never made it to New York cause she died of the COVID since she was unmasked and unvaccinated and unsafe.


Then there’s my favorite Christmas movie, called Die Hard, which I used to think was a battery, but it turns out is a moving picture. And a good one too! With a lesson. You see, a bunch of people gather together for a Christmas party high in a building and a guy who looks like Snape from Harry Potter he takes them hostage and tries to kill them. The movie makes Snape out to be bad, but it’s really them people who are bad, because they are all crowded together and not one of them has a mask; I mean, it’s like a super-spreader event that Smart Tony always warns us about. I’m not even sure there was a vaccine mandate at that party, so yea, no wonder they was all going to die. Snape was symbolic of COVID I think, cause like COVID he attacks people who do dumb stuff like that and don’t listen to Smart Tony. It wasn’t Snape’s fault; it was them noncompliant people. Anyways, lucky the hero Brue Willis come in and save the day, like our super-hero doctors, the ones who listen to Smart Tony and talk about how everyone is dying, not the ones who pass out misinformation that Smart Tony don’t know what he’s doing. And poor Bruce Willis had to risk his life—and a lot of other people died too—trying to save a bunch of nincompoops who were breaking all the rules of safety protocol. It gets me mad to think people are so dumb and don’t listen to us smart Science people and risk other lives!


So, you see, Christmas is a season to reflect on how to be safe, how to not be with people or talk to people or go to parties, but instead to stay in your room and wear a mask and talk to friends and loved ones on zoom. That’s what I call Christmas spirit and is how Santa would want you to spend his birthday party. And if you’s looking for gifts, I got an action figure with my likeness and a book on how to be sciency and lots of posters of my pretty face. Make sure to buy them on Amazon so my friend Jeff can get a buck or two; the poor guy has to give half his money away to his ex-wife, and he’s a big supporter of Smart Tony so we should all pitch in and help him.


There you go. Merry Christmas to all of you out there, stay safe, listen to my every word, spend every minute of your life scared, shame anyone who don’t agree with me, wear your mask, and talk to the Science President about building some islands where we can banish all our misfits like them people who is unvaccinated and Robert Kennedy and Rand Paul and even that Atlas guy. That would be the best Christmas present of all!


Here's how you buy my doll!



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