We are temporarily pausing this blog as a major change has occurred in the COVID universe. Even as Delta—the fasting spreading virus since the Cleopatra Variant of dysentery that shot through ancient Egypt and caused enough collective diarrhea to clog the Nile and enable a Roman victory—blankets the globe and embarrasses the unvaccinated while helping CNN maintain its ratings and shame anyone who questions its reporting, a new threat has hit us. Interstellar CDC microscopes have detected a swarm of variants from Venus that are flying here faster than the speed of light.
“COVID is that frightening,” said Jake Tapper of CNN. “It can even break the laws of physics. If that’s not enough to convince anti-science doubters, I don’t know what is.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is the universe’s expert on COVID and on pretty much everything else, is holding a FAKE emergency press conference to describe the threat and tell us what we must do to stay safe from the Venus variant, about which he is the one disputed expert. Here goes!
Dr. F: Thank you all for being here and risking your lives to travel to hear me despite the ongoing danger of Delta strain, that is spreading fast and furious and making liberal tweeters extremely happy to shame everyone else. Now, though, we have another mess on our hands, and thankfully you have me to fix it.
Everyone applauds in the press room. Dr. Fauci very humbly bows.
Dr. F: These Venus variants are very, very frightening. Probably the worst threat to humanity since Noah’s flood, it’s that bad people, so you better be ready. You better listen to me, to Tony F. And all you who don’t, well, we’ll use whatever distorted statistics and exaggerated numbers to shame the hell out of you, so watch out. OK, any questions? You, Jake.
Jake: I just want to tell you, Dr. Fauci, that you are the smartest man on the planet, and I want to thank you for all you do. You are my hero.
Everyone applauds in the press room. Dr. Fauci signs a few autographs.
Dr. F: OK, that was a damned good question, Jake. You are the damned best journalist I ever met. I think that says it all, no need for more questions after that one. So, with that…
Another reporter: Excuse me, Dr. Fauci. I’m wondering if you’re going to tell us all to wear masks for this new variant, or do you have other ideas this time?
Everyone in the room boos. A few guards appear.
Dr. F: You got problems with masks? What are you, anti-science?
The reporter: No, I have read all the science and I haven’t found a single study or example of where masks have prevented deaths. So, with this new variant, I’m wondering if you are going to try to convince Americans to go down that same, hackneyed road again, or do you have a real plan?
Dr. F points to the guards who whisk the reporter away. Everyone applauds.
Dr. F: Even one anti-science moron threatens mankind with dumb questions like that. I mean, Jake will tell you, you don’t question the Fauci. We’ll send her to re-education camp and hopefully she’ll return and have an attitude adjustment. Now, anyone else got some smart-ass question for Dr. Fauci, or you guys ready just do to what I say and shut up? You, Anderson, you have a question?
Anderson: I just want to say that you have the most amazing smile, Dr. Fauci. I am looking at you and I find you to be just as attractive as you are smart.
Dr. F: Sorry, Anderson, but I’m spoken for. The wife may have some issues with that. But thanks for being so smart and asking such a good question!
Everyone in the room applauds.
Dr. F: Anyone else from CNN got a question? Or MSNBC? I got a few minutes before I got to go. Judge Judy is on soon, and even an intergalactic disaster won’t keep me away from that gal! You, Briana.
Briana: We love you, you know that, and we hate everyone who doesn’t. So, tell us, how many masks will we need to wear, and to all those mass-murder anti-mask doubters out there, explain to them how masks will save us all, and use small words, because those right-wing people are not very smart.
Everyone in the room laughs.
Dr. F: Look, we know masks work, because these smart people to my left and right, they know better than anyone else because they’re from top colleges, so who could ever question them? Certainly not the liberals, thank God for that! On my left is Dr. Smartass from Hopkins, and Dr. Superior from University of Washington is on my right. They are experts so you can’t question nothing they say. That’s what an expert is. It’s like if God talked, you don’t question God, right? Gentlemen, will masks help save us all from imminent death from the Venus variant that is soaring at us faster than the speed of light?
The two doctors nod up and down: Yes.
Dr. F: Well, that proves it. You see, Briana, we know masks work because people like these two geniuses have built mathematical models to prove it, working tirelessly in their basements during COVID while lesser doctors are out there with real patients. Models are sophisticated mathematical devices that prove things by making assumptions and then using those assumptions to come up with whatever the hell you want to prove. Like, we have used models to prove that teachers whose students have higher IQ tests are better teachers. We can use models to tell us which cultures are better than other cultures, like the Eugenicists smarties did way back when. My good friend, Mayor Bloomberg, he used models to set up his Stop and Frisk policy, the same exact model design we use to show that masks work. See, all you got to do is plug an assumption into a computer and then let the computer figure shit out. Like Bloomberg’s scientists, they started with the assumption that since one out of five colored people is likely to rob a white guy…
Dr. F’s hander whispers something in his ear, and he nods up and down.
Dr. F: Sorry, I’m an old guy and sometimes I use old words. Anyways, what I meant to say, so not to offend my liberal supporters, is that since one out of five African Americans will rob white people….
Dr. F’s handler again whispers something in his ear. He nods again.
Dr. F: Sorry, they suggest I don’t talk about stop and frisk, even though it’s the exact same model design we use to prove masks work, because the liberals, they don’t like that particular model. No biggie! We scientists pick and choose the models we like and the ones we don’t like. That’s science, people, and I’m the top scientist in the land. So, anyway, this is how we know that masks work. We first assume that masks will stop like 60% of COVID particles from going from one person to another. A lot of people say masks don’t do that, but these two really smart doctors from really top universities, they agree it’s true, right?
The two doctors nod up and down: Yes
Dr. F: So, there you go, that proves it. Next assumption we make to build our model is that since masks are blocking all those very dangerous and deadly COVID particles, then people wearing masks will infect half the people they’d infect without the mask. Then we make a third assumption, which is that for every ten infections we prevent, we save one life. Once we throw all those scientifically valid assumptions into our computers, it spits out a fact no one can dispute: if everyone wears mask, then we’d save 200,000 lives. So, Briana is right when she says that anti-maskers are mass murders. And all those people who point to the fact that real studies don’t show that masks save any lives, and that all the people wearing masks are dying just the same as if they weren’t wearing them, they don’t understand how models work. A model is like this. If your iPhone (I got a blackberry, but you get the point) says that it’s raining outside, but you look out the window and it’s sunny, what you going to believe? The I-phone weather app is programmed with a model. And if the model says it ain’t raining, then it ain’t raining, no matter what you see outside. That’s how we know models work, that masks work, and that you all better wear them or everyone is bound to die before this Venus variant hits us. Questions?
Jake: I just want to say again, you are so smart, such a hero, and we just thank God every day you’re here.
Anderson: Your suits are always so meticulous. Where do you buy them, if I may ask?
Briana: To doubters out there, how many masks do we have to wear to stay safe from Venus?
Dr. F: All good questions from the most inquisitive, smartest, most scientific reports that Fauci ever saw. Let me say this. We know that if everyone wears one mask, we’ll save 200,000 lives. That means—for those smart liberals out there who know science and can follow my meticulous logic—that if everyone wears two masks, we’ll save 400,000 lives. Three masks, 600,000 lives. And so on. We think that the Venus variant may kill as many as a zillion billion people once it lands. That’s what our models say. And we calculate that if we all wear five masks, and if one of the masks are made of lead, and if the masks stop all breathing, then the chances are no one will die of the Venus variant. We also plan to put masks on all our schools so we don’t got to cancel school this time around; the kids will wear five masks, get a vaccination every day, and stay in the masked schools which every community will be forced to pay for. And our science President, President Biden, he has already said he’ll cooperate with my big plan.
Everyone in unison says: Tell us what it is, Dr. Fauci, please tell your big plan.
Dr. F: Well, if you really want to know, I had planned to keep it secret until my next conference, but I love you guys. Our science President is going to pay Space-X a huge amount of money to build rocket ships, each covered by five masks, to be launched immediately to stop the Venus variant. Jeff Bezos will be on one of them. He agreed to give a half percent of all Amazon proceeds to the effort if our President agrees to withhold taxes on Amazon for the next ten years. Which is fine, since our President can tax regular people instead and leave really good people like my pal Jeff alone. For all the whining people who fret about losing their jobs and having to retreat back in their homes and not see no one for another year or two whilst we close up society to protect everyone from the Venus variant, this is what I have to say to you. How bad is it really? I am richer and more famous now than I ever could have imagined, all thanks to COVID. And if it works like that for me and Bezos and a bunch of other really important rich guys, hell, why is everyone complaining? Toughen up, people! We got the Venus variant coming our way at warp 6. Stop your bellyaching. Briana, you have a question?
Briana: Just to thank you for putting the mass murderers in their place and saving us from them and from the Venus variant.
Jake and Anderson: And we have to say one more time, you are an amazing man.
Dr. Fauci’s handler whispers something in his ear.
Dr. F: People, Venus will have to wait. Get your masks on! Five of them, you can buy the new lead ones at Fauci.com, or at Amazon of course, with a 5% discount if you buy twenty at a time. We’ll take care of the rest so long as we ban anyone from asking any bad questions! Now, I got to go see Judge Judy while you people put your life on hold for another year or so and thank the Fauci for all he does for you.
Everyone: Thank you Dr. Fauci, the sexiest and smartest man alive.
Dr. F humbly bows, and then darts out to take care of business. The news conference ends.
Here comes Venus!!! And the liberal twitter storm shaming anyone who dares dispute the science of it all is coming at an even faster warp speed! Sadly, masks don’t help either threat! But wear them anyway because that’s what they say, and they’re always right.